sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
