proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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