It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
