can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
