Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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