he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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