A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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