I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
