I can tuck mytits in my pants
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
