Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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