Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
