I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
im on a boat
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