she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Randomize
