sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
