Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
