Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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