Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Alive.
So much puke
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
