So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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