I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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