Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
