i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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