Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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