Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
