i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
