home. puking in laundry basket.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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