my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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