I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
