I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Randomize
