I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Someone shattered a urinal.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
