I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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