If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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