i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
