You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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