my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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