before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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