I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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