She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
