my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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