you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
