Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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