"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
