I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
