Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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