So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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