He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
