Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
