And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
