I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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