Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
it glows. i had to have it.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
