he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
